Alicia. One of my friends on my buddy lists who has strictly been an online friend. We talk about baseball. She is a DODGERS fan that lives in CA, and she kind of likes the PADRES too.

We met on a baseball message board on myspace that I got banned from. Some dude that owned the board Jexy, was a real fag, and thought he was like big pimpin. I started making fun of him, and he blocked me from the board. I talked to Alicia on AIM. I think she's one of the only people on my myspace friends that I never met. I made the exception cause we talked for awhile online and were very friendly.

I enjoy talking to her. We talk every once in awhile when we're both bored, and I'm up at like 4am (due to time zone difference). We talk baseball every now and then, and sometimes about other things like relationships and stuff. I don't think I would ever date her. SHe's cool, but she's kind of heavy set, and I can't really get turned on by that. It sucks, because I am a guy, and my mind thinks that no matter WHAT girl it is (unless family of course).

She once told me that some dude kept dicking her over. He'd come over and get head, but never go down on her. It kind of gave me a gross thought, because there may be a reason he doesn't go down on her. Plus, a fat girl, it's kind of hard to clean down there. I felt bad. Mainly because I feel like sometimes I take what I have for granted. I'm not as bad looking as I think I am. Girls like her may never find someone to love, may be lonely their entire lives.

It's sad that I think it, but it's true. I think I actually got depressed over it one night. That this girl, who is heavy into baseball, is a fucking great person, and awesome to talk to (albeit online, I don't know who she is in real life), is the type of girl I'd love to have in a girl I'm dating. And then I think, the only problem is "shes fat". It disgusts me, but unfortuneatly, there's nothing I can do about it. I can't get hard when I think about a girl who is heavy. It's just not possible.

Part of me hates myself for writing this. She is really an awesome person, and some people can't help their anatomy. She doesn't look like the "I'LL EAT EVERYTHING" type, she looks like the genetic type. It just shows how sad human nature is, but at the same time does it? Isn't it in my anatomy to NOT be attracted to those types?

Sexual frustration can ruin a relationship. And if I can't fit my hands around a girl, I can't be attracted to her. I can't get it up.

I really hope she finds someone good. I really do. She's a professional at whatever she does. I hope she never reads this shit, because I honestly feel bad writing this. I should never be thinking about this when it comes to a friend, but us dudes ALWAYS size up what we would fuck, and what we wouldn't. It's terrible that's my first hot is a girl, and would I fuck her? I'm so not horny most of the time too. It's just that I'm a male.

But it's sad. There are people out there who never will be loved because of something they could not help. And here I am. I'm not going to do anything to help them change that...Spineless? I don't think so. YOU HAVE TO HAVE attraction to someone to make it work. It's not shallow. It's just who you are and your preference.

I'm really only staying on this subject because part of me feels bad for this, but I need to be totally honest. That's the whole point of this, right?