Brandon

Brandon. Met this guy at Bagel Lovers in September of 2002. I remember him being really heavy set, used to look like Shrek. Wound up losing a lot of weight.

He worked part time while I was a full time employee. I was new, and he was there for awhile. I was a real dick, and didn't really make friends. He was friends with this dude Tony, and this girl Trish who was kind of like the manager. They all hated me because I busted my ass and was pretty cocky about it.

After awhile we started getting along. I think there was one point where I pissed him off to the point where I thought I was going to honestly get my ass beat. I think this is about the time I realized that the kid is actually bigger than me and could easily take me out (I know, I'm no fighter). We were at the grill, making egg sandwiches for some customers. I think he had made a comment about my band or something (which I was overly sensitive about back in the day) and I called him a "fat fuck". I remember him looking at me and saying "Don't ever fucking talk to me again" and maybe something along the lines of "I'll kick your ass". This is one of the rare times I actually knew what was good for me and kept my mouth shut.

We wound up becoming friends later on after that Tony dude quit, and me and that Trish girl started becoming friends. We'd all hang out on weekends, sometimes after work. I always thought the kid was funny. We always made the most racist songs at work. We'd make songs about "niggers" and put it in the tune of FLINSTONES and SCOOBY DOO. Honestly, I don't really care if someone is black or white or gold, it's just funny because people are really sensitive about the subject.

I think the lyrics were like: SUNG TO THE TUNE OF SCOOBY DOO...

Jigga, jigga boo
Where are you?
I need some cotton picking
Come on jigga boo
I need you
to stop raping those women

You know, you dirty jigga boo your skin is almost as black as my crack
AND you're fast
but you'll be swinging from an oak tree if I ever find you talking back

Jigga jigga boo
Where are you
Probably stealing some fried chicken
You fucking jigga boo
If I catch you
Cement's the next thing that you will be licking

ANd then this one was sung to FLINSTONES:

Niggers, dirty niggers
They're destroying the economy
Lincoln, fucking Lincoln
was the shit head who let niggers free

Someday, congress finally gets it right
They'll take a-way the niggers voting rights

When you're a dirty nigger....I don't remember the rest

And this one was to GOOD CHARLOTTE song, the verse was THE ANTHEM and the CHORUS was GIRLS AND BOYS

Hey big lips, want to smoke a bowL?
Or would you rather rape an 8 year old?
Cause you won't touch a thing over eight teen
If you look at one nigger you'll see
The whole entire minority
They all live in penatentaries

I don't ever wanna be a jigga boo...

CHORUS

Nigs don't like real food they like CODE RED,
OJ, water melon and Corn bread
( yeah, real original lol )

If you throw a nigger off a boat
The fucking thing can't swim or float
But drownings better than cement down his throat

Yeah you may be like "WOW HOW RACIST" but keep in mind, when we worked there, all we did for about 5 hours was place bagels on metal sheets. THATS IT. We seriously thought of songs in the tunes of things cause everyone told multi racist jokes, because it's what pissed people off.

We had this Jewish kid named Andrew working there. The kid was like 15, annoying as FUCK and nobody liked him. Except all the girls his age. But everyone else made fun of him all the time. We especially made fun of him for being Jewish, cause he used to try playing the race card all the time, so we decided to start giving him a reason to use the race card.

One time we prank called him while he was working. I was able to do a GREAT impression of our boss. I told him he was fired. And when he asked for reasons, I told him he doesn't stop talking. And he was pretty much just like "I understand". Then I kept exaggerating the joke. I told him "Plus, everytime you're around, we keep running out of pennies". He still HONESTLY thought this was our boss. And then I told him "wait in the oven til I get there to give you your last paycheck". By then, he started realizing it was a joke.

Anyway, one time, Brandon burnt a pumprnickel bagel by accident. He was toasting it, and it came out dark. He went up to Andrew and said "Look! It's you!"

I was dying. Andrew was really pissed, and Trish and her brother Rich were laughing their asses off.

The thing I always liked about the guy once I got to know him was that he just had a strange sense of humor. Strange in the sense that he laughed at anything that people would possibly get offended by. He used to make jokes about the World Trade Center victims. The reason it never bothered me was because it was always consistent. He laughed at anything that would anger somebody.

I remember seeing him a few other times. The guys at work once threw me a "surprise" party that they wound up telling me about anyway, for my birthday. ANd then one time when Trish turned 21, he was there. I've got a picture with him where we are both wearing cowboy hats. Like little BIRTHDAY hats that look like the cowboy hats.

I remember later on him and my brother starting a band called FALSE STEP. It was just screaming and thats it. They were in a band with some other kid Doug who I knew through his little brother Ronnie(friend of a friend of a brother something like that).

He started dating this girl Caitlin we worked with. I think they're still dating now, 4 years later. It was a really sporadic and FUNNY beginning to that relationship. I think Brandon just kept asking her to be his girlfriend, and she kept saying no. He wasn't even really serious either. Eventually, one day, she said yes. And they've been dating since. Haha I still laugh at that story.

During my SUMMERS LAST WAVE year, I kept getting an IM from a screename listed as PLAID KARMA. The kid basically bashed my band. Sure, we sucked. The only reason people did it was because I overreacted and it was probably funny as shit.

Brandon knew who PLAID KARMA was. He wouldn't tell me. He refused. I wonder if he would tell me now? I think I may have asked him, but I don't think he responded. To be honest, I don't know if I did or not.

One night, I was at a gas station filling up. There was another SUV there. The kids had just finished filling up. As they pulled off, one of them shouted PLAID KARMA. Haha apparently, they knew who I was.

It's one of those mysteries in life. Who was PLAID KARMA? I always thought it was Brandon or his buddy Doug. Maybe even my brother. I think it's probably better that I'll never know. It's one of those things I just want to keep a mystery the rest of my life. Who is Plaid Karma? Who knows? But in the bigger scheme, who the hell cares?

UPDATE: About 5 seconds after I wrote this, I decided to GOOGLE "Plaid Karma". How fucking sad. I know who it is. John Ehlers. I'm only sad because I wanted it to remain as a LIFELONG mystery that I'll always wonder for no reason, and now, I ruined it. I just couldn't control myself.